So I was at the shore this weekend and when I woke up it was 8:13..or maybe it was 8:14, no I'm pretty sure it was 8:13. Then when I went downstairs I really wanted eggs but we didn’t have any eggs but we did have egg beaters……………
::Brain begins to replay dance scene from 13 Going on 30::
... and that’s when I ran into Karen, you know Karen? Brian’s girlfriend, you know Karen and Brian, from the swim club when I was a kid; you know I told you about the swim club...
::If I had a recording of this conversation I could stab them in the throat and no jury would find me guilty::
...and that’s how I figured out I needed more wiper fluid, so do you have any wiper fluid?
::E, D, C, B, A…I knew I could do it backwards::
::If I had a recording of this conversation I could stab them in the throat and no jury would find me guilty::
...and that’s how I figured out I needed more wiper fluid, so do you have any wiper fluid?
::E, D, C, B, A…I knew I could do it backwards::
***
If the above is an example of a conversation you have initiated, then F you and your over-descriptiveness. I hope you marry a deaf (if “a deaf” isn’t PC it certainly should be).
On the other hand, if you have ever gotten stuck in a conversation like the above, then I know your pain all to well (this is what it sounds like when doves cry). Someone begins a conversation that holds a little bit of interest:
If the above is an example of a conversation you have initiated, then F you and your over-descriptiveness. I hope you marry a deaf (if “a deaf” isn’t PC it certainly should be).
On the other hand, if you have ever gotten stuck in a conversation like the above, then I know your pain all to well (this is what it sounds like when doves cry). Someone begins a conversation that holds a little bit of interest:
***
…speaking of a Polar Bear and a Tiger fighting…
::Damn, that’s what we in the storytelling bizness call “The Hook”. Fuck yeah I want to hear about a PB vs. Tiger fight, there might be nothing I want to hear more about in my life (if the polar bear doesn’t win I’ll eat my shoe)::
…You know the Discovery Channel has this new line up…
::I bet this is going to be bloody::
...and we missed it the first night it was on because we forgot to DVR it…
:: I wonder if it was narrated by Dudley Moore like Milo and Otis ::
...I should actually preface this story with how I wore the wrong color dress at my confirmation…off-white.
::WTF::
…speaking of a Polar Bear and a Tiger fighting…
::Damn, that’s what we in the storytelling bizness call “The Hook”. Fuck yeah I want to hear about a PB vs. Tiger fight, there might be nothing I want to hear more about in my life (if the polar bear doesn’t win I’ll eat my shoe)::
…You know the Discovery Channel has this new line up…
::I bet this is going to be bloody::
...and we missed it the first night it was on because we forgot to DVR it…
:: I wonder if it was narrated by Dudley Moore like Milo and Otis ::
...I should actually preface this story with how I wore the wrong color dress at my confirmation…off-white.
::WTF::
***
Really, really? You need to preface this animal tale? Wait wait wait, I know what just happened, this person had no intention of telling you about the roaring cuddly awesomeness of T vs. PB 2003 (say that out loud, I should be a fight promoter….in 2003). They just hooked you into a story that they have wanted to tell for 17 years and they never had an opening. There is no real connection in the two stories, but you seem to be listening and they find the pre-story interesting, so why not give it the old college try.
Speaking of the old college try, I never really got that phrase; I mean are they talking about old colleges or....... (see how it just happens and now you’re listening to something you never wanted to hear about)
So now you have hit the critical point, and you are faced with a few options:
Really, really? You need to preface this animal tale? Wait wait wait, I know what just happened, this person had no intention of telling you about the roaring cuddly awesomeness of T vs. PB 2003 (say that out loud, I should be a fight promoter….in 2003). They just hooked you into a story that they have wanted to tell for 17 years and they never had an opening. There is no real connection in the two stories, but you seem to be listening and they find the pre-story interesting, so why not give it the old college try.
Speaking of the old college try, I never really got that phrase; I mean are they talking about old colleges or....... (see how it just happens and now you’re listening to something you never wanted to hear about)
So now you have hit the critical point, and you are faced with a few options:
1. Stay and listen, whilst zoning out. Let those big beautiful blue eyes gloss over (this refers to my baby blues) and just think about something else. Small smile, nod, giggle when they giggle, frown when they frown. It might take 20-30 painful minutes, but there is no confrontation.
2. This one takes timing, you need to wait for a break in the story and say something like “Hold that thought” and then you go build a spaceship or something, long enough that the asshole has forgot. You can also reference something on TV if the TV is in the room, or if someone new comes into the room pretend you have something crazy important to talk to them about (I got the results back).
3. You could also use the brash "are you fucking kidding me" tactic. This one works best for really good friends. It's just a total call out on them tricking you into listening to some lame story and not and awesome animal face-off.
2. This one takes timing, you need to wait for a break in the story and say something like “Hold that thought” and then you go build a spaceship or something, long enough that the asshole has forgot. You can also reference something on TV if the TV is in the room, or if someone new comes into the room pretend you have something crazy important to talk to them about (I got the results back).
3. You could also use the brash "are you fucking kidding me" tactic. This one works best for really good friends. It's just a total call out on them tricking you into listening to some lame story and not and awesome animal face-off.
4. This is what I do. Make fist with right hand, point index finger to the left, spin hand in a circular motion. This gives an appearance of you saying “Get on with it” but it’s less rude then saying it. You have to smile or laugh when you do as to not seem d-baggy, and you will get the response “I know I know its almost over”, you might have just cut the story in half
Honestly, I always employ tactic numero uno. I really think I am present for about 25% of all conversations I have. Because for reals? People are boring, myself included. Sometimes I hear myself talking and I am all: shut up, asshole. Where are you going with this?
ReplyDeleteAnd this, my friend, is why we BLOG.